Day 225 of 365 – April is Alcohol Awareness Month

I took a pause and stopped blogging and then realized it’s time to speak out and up about this. I slipped back into some daily drinking habits and with this month being about alcohol awareness – I am yet again having to acknowledge that I have issues with too much booze.

I have 188 days AF and 37 drinking days in this one year experiment so far and what I will share with you are my raw and honest observations about this slip and how it’s made me feel … if for nothing else to be a wake up call for me.

  • I’ve regained weight and feel bloated and terrible
  • I am back to living life on the couch and lack motivation to move
  • I am making lame excuses or jokes about my drinking – like it’s ‘ok’ to drink again (but it’s really NOT)
  • I have anxiety, depression and worry filled sleepless nights (tossing and turning and thinking about how this is NOT working again)
  • I am pissed off at myself for slipping backwards yet again…

So what does this all mean? Well – it means it’s time to be HONEST with myself again and just do what I came to do this year… Live the year sober and clean and get back to AF living!

Let got of guilt and let more clarity back in!

Today I’m back to day one with my eye on 200 days AF as my next ‘goal’ … and beyond!!

I’m grateful for each moment … for our group (Lose ‘da Booze 100 Day Challenge) and for the ability to get back to a place of peace and sobriety.

Day 153 – 5 Month Badge

Cheers to one more badge earned!! Life is good these days even with the challenges that arise… I’m staying strong and no longer think about going to ‘da booze as a way to cope. Instead I think about my workouts, reading, taking a bath, meditating, going for a walk, checking in with our Losedabooze group or calling a friend.

These are the #sobertools that will help me reach my health goals!

Here’s to the next month ahead and hitting the half year mark! I haven’t gone this long since my last pregnancy … 17 years ago!!

Day 2 – The importance of Journal Writing

#SoberTools – I’ve been on this path a few times – dating back to 2013 and even now, when I go back to read about stuff I was going through, I am in awe of how I have come through it all and I know that the same will apply to the difficult times I’m experiencing now.

I felt really low today and it showed I guess as I had people at work ask me if I was ok as I didn’t seem my usual bright/perky self. It’s hard to smile and answer to “How are you?” with the usual “I’m good”… because I’m not feeling it!

My daughter was supposed to go to school today (her before last day – Friday being her last) but she didn’t feel up to it saying she was tired and depressed and quite frankly – all that she is going through is sucking the life and light out of me and I’m trying to catch my breath. When she misses a day – it means I have to then contact the school and transportation – provide and example – then I have to deal with her messaging me throughout the day while I’m trying to work. I try to set boundaries but because she is depressed and pretty much tells me daily she wants to die – I feel compelled to always be ‘on call’ and I’m honestly so tired and praying for a miracle shift for HER… to no longer feel this way… so that we can live a happier life together.

I know all the stuff I’m supposed to do and NOT supposed to do to get back on track. The thoughts going through my head was about going to see my doctor to talk to him to maybe get a bit of time off as a ‘stress’ leave but I’m not even sure that’s the answer. I am feeling burnt out though – that I know for sure and getting emotional out of the blue here and there throughout the day. SO I’m writing – to record my feelings and thoughts.

We were supposed to get a screening/intake call at 4:30 and that didn’t happen and my daughter was upset about that (I tried to explain it was likely a bureaucratic mistake but upsetting nonetheless as I really hoped to get the ball rolling on this for her to have regular counseling). I sent in info for the other counseling with animals and no reply there either (she had said she could possibly see her this coming weekend but no news now). I even emailed our EAP services – saying I’m doing all that I can possibly do for myself, for my daughter and it’s just like it’s not enough…

I’m really trying to focus on some positives for today… like how she did a craft project on her own at home and made some stuffed peppers for us. How she also made some desserts for my fiance with the sweet tooth – speaking of which that’s back with no booze again for me. I managed to stick to my 8 hour eating window today – although I need to clean it up and get rid of the junk in there (trying the Intermittent Fasting but can’t speak about that around my daughter due to her struggles with body image/food/eating issues).

And now it’s past 6pm – and I’m going to get my butt downstairs for another workout so I can hit my 10,000 steps and get more activity minutes in for my at work June Health bet that I organized (oh and by the way my talk yesterday went well despite me feeling this way – I put on a smile and shared my success tips – good reminders about how I achieved it and how I can do it again).

Cravings were there again – after work so I ate sugar stuff – twizzlers, chocolate bar and a cinnamon roll that my daughter made… but I’m done for the night now. Seeing how I’ve gained back 20lbs in TWO months with ‘da booze back in my life… that’s enough to shut that stupid voice telling me how nice it would be to have a drink – NOT! Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels! Back to work on de-bloating with no booze!

Day 1 … Back to Basics

Sober June stopped for me… with a LOT on my plate with some at home ‘life’ stuff, I allowed myself a bit of give and had drinks… the problem is that I started feeling myself slip into old ways and I could feel my anxiety and guilt increase as I was no longer following through on my intentions … so not being my AUTHENTIC self anymore. And honestly – that feeling so completely SUCKS in comparison to the WIN I feel when I fight through the cravings and win!

In the moment the idea of having a drink sounds like so ‘relaxing’ but then it turns into more and more (at least in my case) so I’m back to Day 1 and working on my 125th day AF for 2017. I now only have 20 days left in this year where I could allow drinks to make my goal of 300 days for this year and with summer ahead and lots of possible drama surrounding my step-daughter’s wedding, I need to get a GRIP and dig into my sober tool box (one being my blogging and journaling my thoughts and feelings day by day).

Right now my work performance is suffering as I’m not focused due to the issues going on with my daughter. I feel myself slipping into a pattern of negatives … not working out, eating junk foods, passing on doing every day chores for sitting my ass on the couch and mindlessly binge watching tv. As a result I’m regaining weight I worked so hard to lose and feel like crap again! It shows in my posture, my face, my skin and my spirit.

I want the strong me again… the one who follows through on her goals and plans and so tonight I am going back to writing out a simple to do list … the feeling of accomplishment that comes with getting things done will allow me to wake feeling better. I haven’t been doing my morning workouts these days either and BOY does that take the wind out of my sails so I am back to it tomorrow. For tonight I’m going to clean up the kitchen, go through some emails to clean out my inbox (a cluttered / full inbox stresses me out) and end the night with some reading and/or meditation – turning in by 9pm hopefully to get my 6 hours of sleep to start my day right tomorrow with my daily practice… affirmations, posting to my groups and then working out all before hitting the shower to get ready for work. #sobertools

My daughter is in a ‘so so’ mood tonight so hopefully I’ll be able to follow through on my plan. One thing is for sure – despite the MAD cravings that came as soon as I came home … wanting a drink. I took my Kudzu and rode it out. I’m AF today! And below are my pics for comparison to later… I want the brighter happier me again!