I’m Messed Up

I screwed up again – after 4 days AF – not drinking on Friday… I drank on Saturday mainly to get rid of the painful migraine I had (and it worked). But then the cycle happened and I just tonight finished the rest of it and hope I can get back to being AF.

My kids are honestly driving me to drink and I’m feeling so overwhelmed with trying to do everything – quit drinking, get healthy, unpack, focus on work… I always do this to myself and I end up driving myself over the edge and give in … to the booze. 

I feel like I’m never going to be able to kick this. I hate this feeling of being so out of control. I had my last drink at 6:48pm today …. and I wonder now how long can I stay away this time. Is it that my will is not strong enough or that I need more help? I want to improve my life but there’s such controversy when I tell people I’m quitting or not drinking – like I have to explain myself or I have to say “I have  a problem” and I hate admitting weakness. I put up the facade … I keep pushing through and most people have NO CLUE the internal battle and struggle I go through daily. If people knew half the shit I deal with … well I know many of you here ‘get it’… but I feel like I am letting YOU down and there’s more guilt about that.

I need a ‘break’ or some kind of I don’t know epiphany or great strength. I pray to my angels. I read my books. I read your posts. I admire those who seem to be doing this and feel worse for NOT being on track. 

Tomorrow is a new day I guess. I’m turning in at 9 and taking it one hour at a time… I pray for strength… I pray I can do this. Thanks for listening to my rant… SIgned… still trying to loze ‘da booze habit in my life. 

Lose ‘da Guilt – Forgiveness

Image

I think part of this journey is learning to let go of our past mistakes related to alcohol. We are here because we are working to make a change and we need to go from this point – onward, and forward and STOP beating ourselves up.

For me guilt is a big one. I often had guilt after drinking because I felt perhaps I wasn’t a good mother and maybe said or did things I shouldn’t have (or didn’t really remember all the things I said or did in detail). Having released the need for alcohol in my life and affirming that I no longer drink has set a switch off for me in many respects.

Take for example today. I had set plans in my head about things I would do or accomplish and time passed and some didn’t get done. Now before I’d feel guilty because it was likely they didn’t get done because I wasted time boozing instead but today – that’s different. I didn’t get to do what I had planned because I decided to be spontaneous and take a walk with a friend at lunch. It was her birthday and we had not talked in a while. Her office is close to mine so I walked over to give her a bday card and she asked if I wanted to go walking. I didn’t refuse (even though I should have worked through lunch). She had not been talking to me for a while because she was upset with me for cancelling plans one Sunday when we were to go to a Greek Festival together. My reason for cancelling (while it’s not what I told her)… I was drinking and just didn’t feel like it.

There are so many missed opportunities that I have let pass me by because I was drinking or things I had to say no to because I had a few drinks (and couldn’t really get out to drive or meet up or was too tired/drunk to meet anyone – including probably missed opportunities in love).

Freeing myself from this is liberating and is opening so many doors for me. I can spontaneously go out driving later in the day. I can be ‘ok’ to not get a few things done because I know I did not waste my time guzzling (as my ex used to refer to me – guzzle gums) drinks. Wow – the shit I’m starting to recall here and there from my drinking days… Yikes lol.

I just got a book in too (still waiting on Jason Vale’s) – 24 Hours a Day which was meant for people in AA but it’s great to add to my collection of daily affirmation readings. It has for each day of the year – A Thought for the Day, A Meditation for the Day and a Prayer for the Day. I am looking forward to reading them each day. In closing for today’s blog I’d like to share the Sanscrit Proverb by Kalidasa (Indian poet and playwright, Fifth century A.D.) included at the beginning of the little ‘black’ book (it’s super cute – small in size – easy to fit in your purse or for me – in my night stand along with my other books):

“Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life. In its brief course lie all the realities and verities of existence, the bliss of growth, the splendor of action, the glory of power…

For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision, but today, well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.”