Change…

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Today started off well – I woke up feeling good about not caving in yesterday and was on a roll getting things crossed off my to do list. Then I got a call to go babysit for a friend – one who really needed to get out as her daughter had been hospitalized for a month and she basically had a melt down needing a ‘date’ out with her hubby. While it didn’t fit with my plan for the day, I couldn’t say no. So I went and they told me to help myself to whatever – beer too… and I said I wasn’t drinking. 

I was fine for a bit then I guess that afternoon itch came again and I was not in my own place. There was beer in the fridge there. I blogged on Soberistas … because it’s more ‘live’ there and got support and worked through the urges again, wrapping up day 13 AF.

And so this poster above… I want to say goodbye to the old me and hello to my new life but I fear it too. It’s unknown territory and that can be scary – well frankly it is in some ways and also promising of course. I know that things could not go on as they have been – that endless cycle of sober periods followed by days of drinking. It was just draining my spirit. However, I still am fearful of the ‘sober forever’ term and so I keep trying to pull myself back to just for today, I will NOT drink and do that, one day at a time. 

It’s time for a change and the only way it can happen is by doing things differently. That means no more giving in to those cravings and working through them like I did yesterday and today. It wasn’t easy though. I’m feeling very drained and tired now so I’ll be in bed early and looking forward to the work week when it seems the voices are quieter. My 2nd weekend AF here in the new home was successful. Onward and forward!

Facing This Change

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There are times when I think of the efforts I’m making to truly change my way – to that of living a sober life – that I still question ‘can I truly do this?!’ 

I honestly at times feel almost resentful that this is an issue for me this alcohol affair. Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ and be able to enjoy it socially without it leading to binges?! I guess the fact that I’m still questioning if I can do this for good worries me even – and then I keep bringing myself back to TODAY and now, and yes for today I was sober. 

I will admit coming home and even thinking today is Friday … you know that saying TGIF – well in my case, a friend from soberistas gave me a more a propos acronym that I felt and will likely feel for a while. OFIF (Oh Fuck It’s Friday)… because come the weekend the mode is being ‘off’ work and relaxing which used to come with me picking up my vodka lime and wine coolers. I’d open it up and have some that evening until bed and then there’d be some left the next day so I’d have some more… and as I saw the levels getting low, I’d start considering getting more and so the binge cycle would happen. 

I’m happy to say the thought crossed my mind to get some but I got busy doing other things and it passed and outside of this lingering headache I have going on, I’m feeling good about that. I’m going to turn in soon and look forward to waking up feeling fresh and clear tomorrow – ready to make this a productive weekend. 

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So while I still have the resentful feelings for having to basically give ‘da booze up – I know that I can spend the same amount of energy being happy about giving this nasty habit up and with time, I know I’ll start to feel better about it as I reap the benefits of being freed from it.

Reading stories and blogs of those succeeding, those struggling and those slipping – keeps me going. I am so grateful to have this space to be able to share and also to hear feedback. I think this was the piece that was missing before for me.

I continue to also use some of my other tools – reading books (currently reading Sober Identity by Lisa Newmann and next is the Soberistas book). I have plans for this weekend that will hopefully keep me busy and AF. I honestly need to get more days under my belt I supposed to feel a bit more confident since I’ve been here before… but I will acknowledge and congratulate myself for staying AF on this Friday night. 

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I am letting go of ‘da booze… and I’m going to stick this out to get the true happiness in life I deserve … with a clear and sober head.