My BIGGEST Reason WHY

This right here is my BIGGEST reason why I am choosing to Lose ‘da Booze for an entire year! The picture to the left was after my 2nd 100 Day Challenge and I was down 45lbs from my starting heaviest weight in January 2016. The picture on the right is me today – having regained 33 of those 45lbs and standing at 102 days of drinking in 2017. That happened in just 5 short months!!

I initially hoped to reach 300 days AF but when that didn’t happen – I made a commitment to ensure I at least did better than last year. In 2016 I had 209 days AF and by ending this year and going into next year AF – I will beat that number.

My health suffers on so many levels when I choose to drink. My mental health has deteriorated along with some outside stressors beyond my control. I was struggling daily with low self-esteem and low self-confidence and it was spiraling… I’d drink, then choose to do nothing about it and just zoned out and avoided life in general – raising my anxieties even further. My relationships also suffer as I withdraw and don’t feel like doing much. I miss out on so many activities and it can’t continue this way. I need to be a role model for my daugthers who also suffer from mental health issues.

At the beginning it’s tough to stay sober and face the feelings in a raw state but I know it’s very much what I need to do to get back to a place where I am going to be happier. The weight gain just makes me feel so yuck on so many levels. My clothes are fitting tight again. I’m not comfortable in my own skin and my energy levels feel it big time too.

It’s time to shift the tide back to where I was happy and AF at day 100 – going beyond this time to really allow my body to get physically healthy. I have yo-yo’d with my weigh because of emotional eating and drinking and now I need to learn to cope in other ways. With the sober tools that I’ve been gathering, including our Lose ‘da Booze family – I know I can achieve this.

My WHY is to simply live my best life and I’ve learned in the first 50 years of my life that ‘da booze was preventing that from happening. So here’s to getting back to the habits that will make me smile more and be feeling good in my skin again! www.befitspirited.ca

I’m Messed Up

I screwed up again – after 4 days AF – not drinking on Friday… I drank on Saturday mainly to get rid of the painful migraine I had (and it worked). But then the cycle happened and I just tonight finished the rest of it and hope I can get back to being AF.

My kids are honestly driving me to drink and I’m feeling so overwhelmed with trying to do everything – quit drinking, get healthy, unpack, focus on work… I always do this to myself and I end up driving myself over the edge and give in … to the booze. 

I feel like I’m never going to be able to kick this. I hate this feeling of being so out of control. I had my last drink at 6:48pm today …. and I wonder now how long can I stay away this time. Is it that my will is not strong enough or that I need more help? I want to improve my life but there’s such controversy when I tell people I’m quitting or not drinking – like I have to explain myself or I have to say “I have  a problem” and I hate admitting weakness. I put up the facade … I keep pushing through and most people have NO CLUE the internal battle and struggle I go through daily. If people knew half the shit I deal with … well I know many of you here ‘get it’… but I feel like I am letting YOU down and there’s more guilt about that.

I need a ‘break’ or some kind of I don’t know epiphany or great strength. I pray to my angels. I read my books. I read your posts. I admire those who seem to be doing this and feel worse for NOT being on track. 

Tomorrow is a new day I guess. I’m turning in at 9 and taking it one hour at a time… I pray for strength… I pray I can do this. Thanks for listening to my rant… SIgned… still trying to loze ‘da booze habit in my life. 

Living in the Now

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On days like today it’s so important to recognize how key it is to live in the moment. I was feeling kind of I don’t know blah or ansy tonight. I got on Facebook and read some awful news about a friend who’s father was badly burned in a house fire. Then this morning I learned of another friend’s young granddaughter (2.5 years) passing.

I know from my own experiences of hurt and loss how hard this is – and I also know that it means I have to give my head a shake. I’ve been feeling off or in a funk. Feeling like I will never amount to anything as I keep trying to ride the sober car and failing… I’m on Day 3 today but BIG deal … and then I’m reminded by blogs like this – that I need to wear the badge of honor for EACH day, each moment as I live in the NOW.

I’m also disappointed in myself because of the fact that I drank again and ate lots and regained almost 10lbs in less than a month. I feel like I could eat everything in sight and I have to get a handle on this out of control feeling.

It’s like quitting drinking makes it that I want more of everything else and I need to find that balance and peace again. I just got my workout space put back together and managed ‘one’ workout so far this week. My energy levels are off with all the bad eating – so I need to get a grip.

I also know too that taking on too much all at once will foil my efforts to staying sober – which is what so often happens with me. I figure FUCK it… I need something in my life and end up caving in. With the weekend approaching again, I need to make sure this doesn’t happen. They are calling for rain most of the weekend and I have no excuses – I have lots left to do following my move here to finish getting organized and put things up here and there. I need to make this place feel more like home. I need to just CHILL and BE. Living in the now is easier said than done though. But I’m working as best I can to do so… inspired by quotes like this… I hope to change … just like that too!

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