T-Minus 7 Days to ONE Year of Losing ‘Da Booze!

I’m going to use this week to really journal the hell out of what is going on in my head. I’m still enjoying drinks in moderation (well my version of moderation) and observing all the effects and how I’m feeling. I’m kind of wanting to say goodbye and letting go slowly as I gear up for my ONE year no booze!

It’s daunting for some to say forever – or even to say for 100 days – but it all begins with ONE step. And making the decision day by day to keep it going. I know that the support group I have created on Facebook and the other tools I’m gathering will help me through this. I’m letting my family and friends know of my intentions and preparing a schedule so I am armed to succeed!

I am going to use my positive affirmations and continue my personal development to build upon my strength to do this. I’ve created a template for others to follow and journal on a day to day basis as they go through the challenge or FREEDOM of Losing ‘da Booze – so as to focus on the positives it will bring into their lives.

So here’s to NEW beginnings! And letting the magic flow!

“And suddenly you just know it’s time to start something new and trust the MAGIC of beginnings”

 

I Will Stay Strong

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I have a very difficult couple of days ahead of me. On Dec 3rd my best friend’s mom (someone who I looked upon as a mother figure) passed away, and on Dec 4th my godmother passed away. And so I find myself having to travel back to my home town today to attend both visitations/funerals that will span from today to Saturday. 

Yesterday I feared what this would do to my AF status but as the day went on and as I thought it through, I now feel stronger in my resolve to keep my AF streak going. I will need to stay strong through this and I’m sure there will be many tears shed, but I will remain sober through it all. 

My hometown is often a trigger because it’s where I left to escape from the daily drinking and worse, at one point, the daily use of oxycotin pills as another numbing agent. When I moved here 5 years ago – it was to break away from it all and I succeeded in breaking the pill/pain killer addiction because it wasn’t all around me. The drinking also slowed down and today – right here, right now it has stopped. 

Like my gala was different as I attended and stayed sober, so will this visit back home be. I know the ‘firsts’ of many are always hard and sometimes awkward, but I also know it’s something I must do. 

The one thing about this trip is that it will also give me a bit of space and a break from all I’ve been dealing with at home here with my 12 year old. I think it will give me some perspective and I hope that my time away from her will do the same for her. It’s been very draining to constantly have to fight and argue with her. We continue with counseling and in a couple of weeks we hope to have a consultation with a psychiatrist to see perhaps again about adding medication to try to help regulate her moods. 

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And so I pray – to arrive safely back home (the freezing rain should stop before I head out) and I pray for brighter days ahead. Today is day 38 AF.

Wolfie

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This picture helps me accept it because as with most things there are always two sides. I have this poster  hat has wolves on it that has been the source of my inspiration on my journey… (below)

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So there’s a BAD wolfie and there’s a strong wolfie!! Today I’m letting that peaceful, strong wolfie squash the asshole wolfie that tried to tell me it would be a good idea to have a drink tonight… that I deserve it and that honestly I’m making too big of a deal out of this.

FUCK YOU BIG BAD WOLFIE… because my inner GOOD wolfie is going to win! I’m going to beat my record of 33 days and wake up feeling amazing tomorrow. I have not had 34 sober days in a row in decades – tomorrow marks that day and my continued journey forward in the sober car!!

Turning Point

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I’m sitting here with this revelation that I’m beyond just being sober, but truly feeling some other changes happening or coming into my life. One of the biggest things that I did when I drank was get sucked into chats with guys that was really leading to ‘nowhere’… and because I was drinking, I thought it was ok.

Being sober now, those chats have lost their appeal and I see them for what they are. Guys reaching out to me when they have nothing better to do and I’m now able to say NO and move on.

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I used to view this in a whole different light before. I was craving attention and when a guy would reach out, even though I knew it wasn’t in my best interest, after a few drinks well it sounded like fun. But then the next day came and I was back to being alone. NO MORE! I deserve better.

I do have a couple of male friends that I see – and with both of them I would like more (well I believe in one man one woman lol – but I like both of these guys as they have their own unique positives) – but what we have is at a level that we both agree too. It works when we can make it work but no pressure. It’s still not ideal but at least sober, I know I am making much sounder decisions around this and if I say yes it’s because I feel it’s a good thing (we all have needs lol).

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The other point I’ve been reflecting on is what else I want to do with my life. I love my job but I want to find other means of creating income for myself so I can be even more independent in life. I’m contemplating many avenues and reading a lot. Even participating in free seminars to kind of get a feel for where I want to go with this. I have time to do this now that I’m sober but even now, there’s SO much information out there, it’s overwhelming. So I will practice some patience and make sound sober decisions so that I move towards more opportunities and leave those dead end and dead beat men in my past. The future is bright!! MY future is bright… you know this was the title of the story I contributed to Louise Hay’s Modern Day Miracles… guess in what section it was in?! Addictions… this happened in 2010 and here I am now. A work in progress. I am learning a lot along the way and perhaps that in of itself is part of my destiny – to gather these lessons so that I can share them and help others going through similar journeys. My wish is that – to be of help to others while fulfilling my passions in life.

I couldn’t do this if I wasn’t sober. Very grateful to put day 28AF in the books!

I Think My Switch has Finally Flipped!

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It’s been a long journey to get to where I am today and how I feel now. I’ve been battling the ‘devil’ that is alcohol in my life for about 28 years – but more intensely after my separation in 2002 and the death of my mother and a slew of other really tough life events (job loss, bankruptcy, losing friends to accidents and cancer – some of which I believe were related to booze). Five years ago this month, my own sister at the age of 50 lost her life as she succumbed to the alcohol and drank herself to death. 

Yesterday I talked to a friend who shared with me that she was assaulted by her bf – who was drunk and who choked her and bit her chin and left her with countless bruises. She finally called the police. 

Why does it take so much to finally have us see or flip this switch that BOOZE is Bad NEWS!! I used to dabble with the idea if I could get a handle on moderation and be a social drinker, I’d go that route but now, I realize (with the help of reading The Sober Revolution and the website Soberistas) that I have to simply commit to 100% sobriety for life!

So consciously I’m ok with that and accepting of it. But sub-consciously – these past few days, my dreams are filled with thoughts, events, past experiences – all surrounding booze. I suppose that’s the part of my brain that’s still hard wired to the addiction. I wake up feeling guilty – like I had had a drink. 

I also noticed how much more aware I am about how booze is everywhere – in scenes of my many favorite shows, on friends’ status updates and how they can’t wait to have one, or pics of them having some. 

When I asked the hotel catering manager about AF options for the Gala I have coming up on the 30th he told me he had never been asked that question. Even the event coordinator that I’m replacing said the same thing. Is it because I asked the question versus non-drinkers just asking for soda as a norm and not worrying about it so much ahead of time? For me, it was necessary, to be armed and plan ahead for this night. 

So while I’m still having some ‘ansy’ moments like last night where there was a period of time that might have led me to drinking before – I simply observed my feelings and noticed the triggers and blogged on Soberistas about it. I know for me, it’s important to keep writing it out and the wonderful thing about this blogsphere is that I get feedback and support. 

So while it’s still very early in the game (Day 6 today)… I truly feel that my switch has finally flipped. I know there will be hard days or moments – but with continued work and meditation and readings, I will stay strong. I am committed and I am determined to live my BEST life by ‘losing ‘da booze’…

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