Living Life FULLY

I can’t tell you how amazing I am feeling right now – seeing that I’m so close to hitting 40 days (day 39 today)… I honestly can’t remember ever having this many AF (alcohol free) days. Maybe during my last pregnancy which was almost 16 years ago?!

I’m truly finding so much joy in spending time with like minded people – focused on health rather than being social with those who revolve their activities around drinking. What a difference! And my own health goals are finally moving forward in a consistent manner now that I am not undoing all the good with nights off with drinks.

My time is now filled with personal development, exercise, making to do lists and actually getting to them – less procrastinating for sure. Just started reading the book I found while cleaning my car… and I have a goal to read at least one book per month if not more. I also listen to podcasts on my commute into work to and find it really sets the tone for a great day!

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There are so many things to do BESIDES drinking – there’s actually no time to be bored if you really set your mind to accepting the change. While my goal is for now to simply reach 100 days and then re-evaluate – we’ll see how I feel about alcohol by then. I can tell you that right now – I don’t know if having that drink is worth it in comparison to how much more positive and happy I feel – and PROUD too!

I struggled for a long time to go beyond 30 days (heck at times reaching 30 days seemed impossible). I never thought I could do the 100 days (tried a few years ago if you go in the archives and read my older blogs you’ll see). But now I BELIEVE I can do this!

I even posted a video to the HAMS group on Facebook sharing how I felt and wanting to share my experience in the hopes of inspiring or perhaps encouraging others. It was out of my comfort zone – but honestly – that’s how we grow.

The group I gathered with yesterday (that’s me in the grey sweatshirt and blond hair) – my ego kept telling me I didn’t fit in or measure up – but I told it to SHUT UP! I do so fit in and I will be as successful as they are representing the 45+ age group (they are all so much younger than me). Honestly the energy from our gathering was amazing! I feel truly blessed to be part of the council and able to help with our local activities!

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Worth the Fight

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This journey for me is not easy. I finished reading Lisa Newmann’s book Sober Identity and while I had some difficulty following parts of it the end really rang true for me in so many ways. The trial and errors about my getting to the ‘sober’ status and how perhaps because my mind is still not fully committed – that’s why I’m falling more than not.

I have a lot to work out in my head about the WHY I need to do this – even though it may seem pretty obvious too. I guess I need to get more sober days under my belt until my sub-conscious mind or the devil or wolfie or whatever VOICE name you want to call it quiets down. Today was easy and I had no cravings or wants for it. I felt much better too and finishing off the day on a good note.

The power of our sub-conscious mind is so incredible and reprogramming it is going to take time and I have to allow this to come. I know it’s not going to be easy – but it’s definitely going to be worth it in the end. I want a different life for myself, for my kids. They are also struggling with the ‘young’ experimentation of drugs (marijuana) and their taste or curiosity for booze too… and it kills me to see it because I know it’s a slippery slope. Thankfully with counseling I hope that we can address it and teach them better coping mechanisms and provide them with the right tools. The other part is my being a better role model – but I know it won’t happen overnight. It’s like they will need to see proof that THIS time is different.

I thought the answer was to tell more people about my intentions, but now I think I spoke too soon and now I’m just going to fly under the radar on the issue as long as I can and avoid discussing it outside of this sober blogging world where I know people truly understand what I’m going through. I’m not even going to say much to Belle either until I have more sober days ‘done’ since I’ve fallen off the 100 day challenge so often (so much so I feel embarrassed).

I was reading some blogs over on the soberistas website tonight and one lady talked about how one day turned into many … story of my life but worse, how I would actually go to bed early, then wake up once the kids were in bed and drink more so I could do it when they were not awake and I could ‘hide’ it a bit more. There was also a comment there I could relate to in that when I get into these binge modes it’s like I take in all I can because when this is done this time – I’m done… and yet it doesn’t always work that way. I was also reminded by the post/comments about how much I give up when I drink and basically withdraw and ‘hide’ from the world. I don’t want anyone to see me this way and so I put up a facade, make excuses and lie – to them and to myself.

I still hesitate calling myself an alcoholic and I’m not sure if I have to truly admit this to get beyond this addiction. I guess when I think alcoholic I think of a different picture than what I’m going through – the person who can’t go without or they get extreme shakes and tremors – that’s not me. I can stop – and sometimes I do for a month or less – it’s when I start back that I seem to go into ‘days of drinking’. And so, the decision has to be made that total abstinence is probably my best bet and yet thinking that scares me too. I know AA is not for me either – because I refuse to believe that we are powerless in this journey – I know I am stronger than this and I will eventually beat it.

In Lisa’s book she speaks to change and growth and how it’s not comfortable or easy and she’s right – this SHIT is HARD! I’m reaching out for support as best I can with my means and definitely tuning in to my writing because that’s something that has always helped me.

And so now I take a few new lessons learned on this path and get ready to turn in and begin again tomorrow. Moving on to the Sober Revolution book for my next read. Tools tools tools … must soak my mind with thoughts about changing my addictive patterns … and practice more meditation too. Today was a GOOD day!