I was trying to figure out how I was feeling after this trip back home… and how I managed to stay AF (day 41 today). The experience was not easy – and there were cravings, but more than that was how I felt inside and how I felt others viewed me. I had some congratulate me for doing this AF stint and others comment on how quiet I seemed. I think my quietness is coming from just trying to figure out all the emotions I’m feeling and the observations I’m making.
This is new for me. I’ve been AF before when I was pregnant but I did so then because it was a no brainer – I had a baby inside of me (although I did have a drink here and there – very MOD). Now it’s a choice I’ve made to do 100 days AF. I chose a really tough time of year to do it – as it’s a time that is filled with social events around the holidays, but alas – is there really ever a ‘good’ time to start?! Or should I say STOP.
The answer to this for me was best start sooner than later as I felt tired of riding the roller coaster of ups and downs associated with how I felt after drinks and failing to meet my 100 day challenge and so now I’m starting to feel a bit more confident.
I was at the music jam session at my sister’s restaurant and observed those who had been drinking and noted the negatives about it. One guy was so loaded he was ugly and reeked of booze – it was GROSS!! I noticed how people looked sloppy and repeated themselves. Not very pretty.
The other thing I noticed is how I am able to simply say no to something that had I been drinking – well I might have said yes … with a sober view, it was very obvious saying no was the best answer.
And so I’m continuing this journey of experiencing the highs and lows of life sober. There have been many lows this past week including the two funerals and dealing with both of my daughters and their respective issues. I honestly am feeling very drained by it all – but I have dealt with it without using any form of numbing – and dealing with it in the ‘raw’ if you will. And so tonight – shortly after I post this I’ll be turning into this lovely bed of mine that I have not slept in for the past 3 nights. Back to work tomorrow and hopefully a peaceful week at home.