66 Days with drinks so far this year… So no 300 days AF for me in 2017 🙁 … but I need to just let go of this for now. I’ve been really struggling the past couple of months with all that’s been going on with my daughters, the upcoming step-daughter wedding and having to deal with a lot of emotions coming up through it all.
I’m having a hard time myself getting out of this ‘funk’ I am in which has been since my return from my dream trip to Hawaii. It’s like all hell broke loose after that … starting with texts from my daughter while we were driving home from the airport with her telling me she wanted to die and spiraling downward from there… with both of my daughters threatening suicide – one taking a bunch of tylenol and going to hospital and the other trying to starve herself and self harming with punching and cutting.
I’m just absolutely drained and burnt out. And with the ‘vacation’ after I completed my second 100 days Lose ‘da Booze challenge, I permitted myself to have drinks… and with summer I allowed myself some ‘give’… and now I sit here feeling like crap – with 20+lbs back on. Feeling bloated and disgusted with myself.
Emotional binge eating – like I’m eating what my daugther won’t because of her eating disorder – I am gaining what she is losing. While things are starting to improve with her mood wise and with services being put into place – MY OWN shit is way out of whack.
I’m second guessing and questioning so much in my life right now. I’m thinking I need to scale back on a bunch of ‘branched’ out efforts I have out there… including the teaching I do very occasionally that has to do with my role as an admin assistant. The last course I taught – well it just didn’t authentically feel like ‘me’ so it’s like I’m second guessing my abilities and job/role as an admin assistant.
If I were to have a wish or dream … my job would be to simply BE this person who helps others… this GROUP we are running on Facebook is what makes me thrive… seeing the lives changing as people work to Lose ‘Da Booze in their lives… yet even this right now I am doubting myself for because I’m struggling to get back to AF mode.
My Beachbody coaching and role on the market council – which is basically being a part of the volunteers who puts together the local events… thinking of letting go of that role and just re-focusing on my own health journey to get back to my workouts and stop putting myself out there so much. I had to cancel my attendance at the summit again due to issues with my daughter and seeing all the posts about it kind of bummed me out. This is the second year in a row that I bought tickets and had to cancel due to family issues… so I figure it’s not my time or calling perhaps. Don’t get me wrong – I love my Beachbody workouts and their products… and need to get back to that for sure as I know that will help me get out of this funk and help me shed some inches/weight again. It’s just that with my daughter’s eating disorder – I feel like I have to be so careful about what I post and share as I don’t want her to become further obsessed about the whole weight/size issues.
I do believe that sharing my journey is important. Even sharing these struggles I’m currently experiencing and working through. I KNOW for sure that I don’t want to let go of my quest to Lose ‘Da Booze in my life… while I still can’t seem to say or admit that perhaps letting go for good is what I must do. The more I read stories of those who have – the more I think perhaps I just need to do this… but it’s so damned HARD! And it shouldn’t be!
I have to go back to read how good I felt when I did achieve the 100 days… and in reading the posts of other memebers as they complete their 100 days and go on to just continue with their sobriety…
I’m at a crossroad I think – one that I have not had to face for a long time… and I have BIG decisions to make… starting with letting go of some of the extras I’ve taken on in my life so I can shift my focus back on my own health and my family … I am not quitting on my dreams to be a person who can be a coach or inspiration to others… but I need to be PROOF that you can get through any struggles … I know I have been through hell and back a few times in my life… and I’m still here so my track record is pretty good. I’m just going to consider this another bump in the road and going to keep on trucking… Starting with making the most of TODAY. I made a plan to aim for 300 Days AF in 2017… and while I won’t reach that – I will do my BEST to beat my numbers from last year (209 days AF in 2015)… and I hope to wrap up this 200th day with my 134th day AF!