I’m sure not feeling as ‘high’ as I thought I would after successfully making it through my Gala AF – giving away drink tickets and free wine. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me! I guess the build up to this event and now it’s over so it’s like ‘now what?’
I know there will be a few other festive social gatherings and even company coming over here – and these involve drinks but I’m going to do my best to keep this going to the 100 days… but feeling doubt about ‘what then’.
There goes my analytical over-thinking brain! I truly thought if I reached the milestone – beyond 33 days that I’d be flying high and losing weight like mad and feeling on top of the world, but I’m not feeling it.
I’m even having a hard time motivating myself to workout – and I know I need to in order to manage the home stressors that continue with my 12 year old and her self-harming behaviors and threats of wanting to end her life.
As a parent I feel horrible that my child feels so bad about herself. She sees her counselor tomorrow and I talk to him on Wednesday but I feel it’s not going anywhere and I’m frustrated.
I’m also bummed out because I had hoped to pursue a venture that might lead to some extra income for me but it seems that it’s just not going to work out with all that I have to deal with and it requires startup funds that I honestly don’t have. So I keep plugging away and even though I’m saving money by not drinking – it feels like I have less to juggle. Christmas is coming up and my daughter asked me how much I was going to spend on them and this point I know it’s going to be very modest as I am trying to catch up with bills.
I just pray for a break soon – in this part of my life.
I am very grateful for many other things… my wonderful workplace/job, my new place, my health and how my oldest seems to be doing better and succeeding with her home schooling and working a part-time job she likes.
I know I have to look on the bright side and the ‘now what’… well hopefully it’s just hormones acting up. I’m still aiming for 100 days AF and after that – I actually long to be a social drinker … and perhaps I’m grieving the fact that I may never be able to be that person. FUCK this shit is so hard and working through all the emotions sober is not easy and truly new territory.
I have one thing I’d like to work towards – I saw in a blog somewhere about a recovery retreat… I’m definitely adding that to my list (wish I could make the one in April 2014). Maybe that could be my reward for staying sober my 100 days – if I could scrounge the cash… if not this one, I can research to find another similar one. I just feel I need something to work for/towards again. I need a boost in this lull I’m feeling. Where are those pink clouds?! I need some spark again!