I have 192 Days AF – alcohol free (193 if I make it through tonight) since starting my one year journey … and I felt compelled to blog today because I have a LOT of thoughts and uncomfortable feelings going on. My daughter left home unexpectedly / suddenly just about 2 weeks ago and I feel like I’m in a state of worry and fear – about how she will make out and what will happen. Because I don’t know if this will be ‘for real’ permanent I am finding myself feeling kind of like suspended in life – not knowing how to deal with it.
On some nights I toss and turn and play out all kinds of scenarios and worry how this will all turn out. On other days I try to just be in the moment and try to practice mindfulness and stay at ‘peace’ but it’s easier said than done. I have been AF since Monday but really struggling with the cravings – and I attribute it to the fact that I feel so lost in all that is happening. I know booze won’t give me answers – but it will calm my ‘nerves’ down for a bit at least.
I’ve been listening to This Naked Mind audible (I’ve read the book before and recommend it to my group all the time). While listening to it – I can feel myself cringe inside because I’m not of the mind that it’s black or white – or I guess that my mind is not yet naked and I’m not yet ready to give up alcohol.
What I am ready to give up is this constant worry and uncertainty in my life – over which I really don’t have any control with respect to what happens with my daughter (although I’m still invovled – as I write this I am still the one getting reminders for her appointments and trying to get her to them). It’s like she is dipping a toe on both sides wanting to be independent but not able to get to her appointments. I haven’t been messaging her as much this week. We did have a conversation one night where she told me she is so depressed that she hasn’t gotten out of bed for 2 days and had not eating for that long either. ENTER more worry and fear – but what can I do?! I urge her to get help and go to her appointments. I offer to make another one… but she doesn’t show up. As her therapist told me – you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make her drink.
All of this has me re-evaluating my entire life – how it will be if she stays moved out this time. How things will be and what will my daily routine be like now with my fiance. Again – not being in the moment here and thinking too much…
At work – I have a hard time focusing and staying on course. I am getting by with a few ‘slips’ with some minor things – but I worry about that too – will someone notice how I’m really not here?!
I’m struggling and yet trying to go through the motions of getting myself back on course with reading my affirmations, eating better, being AF, posting in my groups… and for a while that works. I hurt my back last Friday and have been unable to do workouts which is really bumming me out too – not being able to even get my 10,000 steps a day urks me!
I do have things to look forward to – including a trip to Cancun May 18 to 25 where I hope to be able to spend time reconnecting with my fiance (who just had hernia surgery yesterday). I will be spending time with my older daughter on Friday (she is doing better – and she too went through a phase similar to what my youngest is now going through). I guess I just have to keep the faith. Keep plugging away moment by moment.
Journaling helps – and so maybe I need to do more of that again. This blog was started about my wanting to lose ‘da booze voice in my head – well I can say that besides some of the physical cravings – my head is now mostly occupied with worry about my daughter…
Life is one big BOOK! I can’t wait to be past this chapter… hopefully onto a brighter one! But I am blessed and grateful for the good in my life – my loving fiance, my health, my work, my friends and more financial stability than I’ve had in years. I just have to keep focusing on the GOOD and let go of worry!