Day 2 – The importance of Journal Writing

#SoberTools – I’ve been on this path a few times – dating back to 2013 and even now, when I go back to read about stuff I was going through, I am in awe of how I have come through it all and I know that the same will apply to the difficult times I’m experiencing now.

I felt really low today and it showed I guess as I had people at work ask me if I was ok as I didn’t seem my usual bright/perky self. It’s hard to smile and answer to “How are you?” with the usual “I’m good”… because I’m not feeling it!

My daughter was supposed to go to school today (her before last day – Friday being her last) but she didn’t feel up to it saying she was tired and depressed and quite frankly – all that she is going through is sucking the life and light out of me and I’m trying to catch my breath. When she misses a day – it means I have to then contact the school and transportation – provide and example – then I have to deal with her messaging me throughout the day while I’m trying to work. I try to set boundaries but because she is depressed and pretty much tells me daily she wants to die – I feel compelled to always be ‘on call’ and I’m honestly so tired and praying for a miracle shift for HER… to no longer feel this way… so that we can live a happier life together.

I know all the stuff I’m supposed to do and NOT supposed to do to get back on track. The thoughts going through my head was about going to see my doctor to talk to him to maybe get a bit of time off as a ‘stress’ leave but I’m not even sure that’s the answer. I am feeling burnt out though – that I know for sure and getting emotional out of the blue here and there throughout the day. SO I’m writing – to record my feelings and thoughts.

We were supposed to get a screening/intake call at 4:30 and that didn’t happen and my daughter was upset about that (I tried to explain it was likely a bureaucratic mistake but upsetting nonetheless as I really hoped to get the ball rolling on this for her to have regular counseling). I sent in info for the other counseling with animals and no reply there either (she had said she could possibly see her this coming weekend but no news now). I even emailed our EAP services – saying I’m doing all that I can possibly do for myself, for my daughter and it’s just like it’s not enough…

I’m really trying to focus on some positives for today… like how she did a craft project on her own at home and made some stuffed peppers for us. How she also made some desserts for my fiance with the sweet tooth – speaking of which that’s back with no booze again for me. I managed to stick to my 8 hour eating window today – although I need to clean it up and get rid of the junk in there (trying the Intermittent Fasting but can’t speak about that around my daughter due to her struggles with body image/food/eating issues).

And now it’s past 6pm – and I’m going to get my butt downstairs for another workout so I can hit my 10,000 steps and get more activity minutes in for my at work June Health bet that I organized (oh and by the way my talk yesterday went well despite me feeling this way – I put on a smile and shared my success tips – good reminders about how I achieved it and how I can do it again).

Cravings were there again – after work so I ate sugar stuff – twizzlers, chocolate bar and a cinnamon roll that my daughter made… but I’m done for the night now. Seeing how I’ve gained back 20lbs in TWO months with ‘da booze back in my life… that’s enough to shut that stupid voice telling me how nice it would be to have a drink – NOT! Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels! Back to work on de-bloating with no booze!

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