It’s been HELL the past week for me… and I feel as though I’m at another crossroads in my life. While I did well without booze and did a 33 day streak without… I fell back into the drinking mode to try and cope with the pressure of the crises surrounding me – tried to numb the pain, but realizing it’s only masking it – because each day when I wake up, it’s still there.
The hardest part about this crisis is that it’s outside of my control in that it has to do with my kids – not me, yet it’s starting to now affect me and bringing me back to a dark place I’ve been a few times before… depressed, feeling hopeless, feeling like there’s no way out and that I’m at risk of losing the most positive thing in my life right now… my job. The guilt over being off (even though they have been extremely supportive) and the fear of being able to go back and fulfill my duties worries me to no end. I know I can only take it one day at a time but dammit – I’m so sick of that saying now too.
Today is day 1 again for me to get back in the sober car. I finished off the booze yesterday and even though my nerves were screaming at me for more, I know I need to stop this again. I know I need to seriously consider all aspects of my life – including my financial pressures and accept that booze has no place in my life right now. It’s not the cure but rather another part that will just add to the problems I’m facing. While the very temporary buzz of losing the feeling of anxiety helps – the after effect of the guilt over giving in when I seriously CAN’T afford it is just too much.
I have to accept that I seriously need to lose ‘da booze habit in my life as part of the changes I have to put in place to lead a successful and happy life. I wanted to believe that I didn’t have to forego it for good – and still have a hard time swallowing that thought because the rebel in me hates being told I CAN’T do something… but what I hate more is knowing that I CAN’T go on as I have been or I will completely crash and I can’t do that … because my kids need me.
I have thought of running away and just losing myself – but it’s not an option. It’s really hard to stay strong in all of this and try to be supportive of my daughters going through this too. I’ve reached out for support for myself but I’m also tired of talking about it, meeting about it and so I’m coming back to my writing – which is an outlet I can use to just put it out there.
I have not been out all week while on stress leave and I have a few days before I have to go back to work and need to get a grip. I have some plans in place for the month of July for my 12 year old and I hope with the counseling that things will continue to improve. It was a week ago since the last crisis and I’m hoping for the calm to stay for a while. My 16 year old leaves for Florida to see her grandmother on Tues (to give her a break from all the stress we’ve been living), leaving me alone with my 12 year old for most of the summer.
I need peace again. I need to work through the physical pains that come with the emotional hurt I’m dealing with. I hope that my nerves will calm – I need to get back to basic self-care and nurturing so that I can be there for my kids.