As I write this today is day 178 on my 365 … now renamed my “One Year Lose ‘da Booze Experiment”. Following the last post and all the #sobertools I reached for and successfully didn’t cave into drinks… along came day 175.
Much of the thoughts and feelings were still there and I found myself having the entire day and overnight ALONE and I ended up giving myself permission to drink. This time I did not reach out. I quietly and calmly opened my bottle of vodka and poured my first drink. The taste was a bit bitter (not great tasting) and after just a couple of drinks felt the slight buzz. Nothing WOW or anything – just different. Different from the buzz I used to seek so often during my daily drinking as I used this outlet to cope with many of the life stressors.
When I knew I’d be alone overnight – it was like YES – FINALLY some alone time and just an opportunity to unplug and take off all these restrictions in my head that of late have been leading to me becoming more of a binge emotional eater. The day before when I didn’t cave – I binged on junk food and woke up with the same YUCK feelings as one would with a booze hangover. The guilt, the shame from ‘failing’ on the set intentions I had professed I’d follow through on.
By allowing myself this break and allowing myself drinks – it took some pressure off. It reminded me that I’m human and indeed getting better on this journey. I’ve often shared that my goal is not to be AF for good, but I simply decided to go longer than the 100 days to further shift my mindset away from that ‘go to’ daily habit of drinking. And I can attest it’s working. My longest streak is now 174 days versus 100 days!
I postponed sharing about this (and have not yet told my family or friends in the general public) because I wanted to make sure I was back on track with my goals to shift my lifestyle to healthier living (so not falling back to the trap of the daily drinking). I won’t lie in that on Sunday – I woke up feeling ‘off’ – tired and had thoughts about having drinks to make me feel better but did not go there.
While having drinks – I honestly enjoyed the release … I binged watched TV, ordered some pizza and stayed off the computer … I just needed a FULL out break! I know that I could have had a break without the booze, but it was there this time as I had actually gone out to buy some. But I didn’t over do it. The coolers and wine were untouched. I stuck with my vodka and had one beer.
The day after – I debated about posting/sharing but really wanted to get my grounding again to really evaluate how this experience affected me. Well for one thing – it took away the craving/thoughts of wanting a drink . I had it – it wasn’t that amazing as we sometimes romanticize it to be and I’m back on track with my eating too!
You see I’ve always been kind of a rebel in my head – when someone tells me I can’t have something or do something – it’s like I want it more. It’s been that way for me in all areas of my life – even the ‘bad boys’ I liked to date when I would always be warned not to.
For me the group and the challenge about Losing ‘da Booze is creating a better life – however that may look. For me – Better IS Better and I definitely am nowhere near where I used to be with ‘da booze in my life! I view it very differently – especially when I’m sober and observe others over doing it. It’s not appealing or attractive to me in any way.
For me it’s about finding more JOY in my life and it’s not something you’ll find in a bottle of booze – but more so in personal development and self-discovery and GROWTH!! It’s about moving outside of the routines and comfort zones – getting OFF YOUR ASS and taking action!! I posted a video and then watched an inspirational video and it really resonated with how I’m feeling and simply going to talk less about the things I do and just DO them!
We need to stop living inside our heads so much and start living REAL life! Get out there and breathe the air, smell the smells, feel the feels, enjoy the views, laugh more, play more – just LIVE more!!
You can’t do that if you drink daily! To be present and mindful was one of my goals on my 2018 vision board and I feel this little blip on day 174 just reinforced my personal mission in life!! I had been half dogging my workouts and program and now even more committed to make results happen!
There are many lessons to learn in life – and they shouldn’t just revolve around whether or not you drink – there is so much more out there to think about! Remember – what you focus on or think about is what you bring about so start shifting your focus off ‘da booze to your dreams and go BIG!! Let go of fear and take a step forward to make the most of every single moment…
PS – as I write this – my boss just emailed me to say he wouldn’t be in today and not sure what the rest of his week would look like as his wife’s youngest brother who just turned 50 died in a skiing accident last night and they are devastated … it just reminds you of how precious life is and how we cannot take for granted the moments we have. So BE present and appreciate life by living it FULLY!