Day 4 – To be or not to be A-Free!

I had another emotional day – just driving into work in the car as thoughts went through my head, tears started to flow. I was commuting with my fiance and I just couldn’t stop the tears… At work – more of the same. As soon as I would think about all that I’m dealing with – the tears flowed.

I managed to get through most of my work. It’s been real tough staying focused and on task. I’m finding myself forgetting things and simply missing things that is totally NOT my style (I’m known for my efficiency). I did not make it out to the outdoor yoga I helped to organize (something that will happen every Thursday over the summer months). I came home to a moody kid… but I was pleased to see the art work she completed today. She has been keeping herself busy doing projects over the past couple of days which I am pleased with and have been praising her about.

We did receive some good news today – she has the appointment scheduled with Fawg Forest Therapeutic Farm for Sunday and she received the intake/screening call today and they will process her referral as a high priority to get her counseling going. She did get upset with me about a tattoo she wanted me to allow her to get – it’s a fund raiser for animal shelters. I’m not crazy about the idea and it made it so she was in a foul mood with me as she worded it “I was taking away about the only thing she was really looking forward to and that was motivating her to do household chores”… needless to say no chores got done.

I also received a reply from the e-counseling that I am accessing for myself and replied back. Since I love to write – it’s a good means to get some extra support. And tomorrow I’m off and see my family doctor and my plan is to ask for his support to allow me a bit of time off to regroup and get my energy and emotions/affairs in order.

My daughter and I went in to town and I debated about going to the liquor store to get drinks… thinking I’m not sure if I want to be AF. Then I thought – I need to have a clear head for when I talk to my doctor tomorrow and since I’m off – I hope to get a few things done including a workout in the morning – perhaps a few workouts… I’ve been slacking on this and that too may be contributing to me not feeling as good.

So I’m pleased to say day 127 of 300 Days AF for 2017 is in the books! And check out the quote – how about that for ON POINT!!

Not Day 3

Well this might be short because I’m tired… and drained.. After posting last night and thinking I was going to go to bed – I ended up at the hospital emergency department overnight with my daughter. And today I wasn’t AF…

Tomorrow is a new day and I pray that I can be at work without incident and I look forward to talking to my doctor on Friday as I’m really on the fence about what I need to do for my own mental health and well being.

So that’s it for tonight – fighting the good fight and never going to give up. Praying for a brighter day tomorrow.

Day 2 – The importance of Journal Writing

#SoberTools – I’ve been on this path a few times – dating back to 2013 and even now, when I go back to read about stuff I was going through, I am in awe of how I have come through it all and I know that the same will apply to the difficult times I’m experiencing now.

I felt really low today and it showed I guess as I had people at work ask me if I was ok as I didn’t seem my usual bright/perky self. It’s hard to smile and answer to “How are you?” with the usual “I’m good”… because I’m not feeling it!

My daughter was supposed to go to school today (her before last day – Friday being her last) but she didn’t feel up to it saying she was tired and depressed and quite frankly – all that she is going through is sucking the life and light out of me and I’m trying to catch my breath. When she misses a day – it means I have to then contact the school and transportation – provide and example – then I have to deal with her messaging me throughout the day while I’m trying to work. I try to set boundaries but because she is depressed and pretty much tells me daily she wants to die – I feel compelled to always be ‘on call’ and I’m honestly so tired and praying for a miracle shift for HER… to no longer feel this way… so that we can live a happier life together.

I know all the stuff I’m supposed to do and NOT supposed to do to get back on track. The thoughts going through my head was about going to see my doctor to talk to him to maybe get a bit of time off as a ‘stress’ leave but I’m not even sure that’s the answer. I am feeling burnt out though – that I know for sure and getting emotional out of the blue here and there throughout the day. SO I’m writing – to record my feelings and thoughts.

We were supposed to get a screening/intake call at 4:30 and that didn’t happen and my daughter was upset about that (I tried to explain it was likely a bureaucratic mistake but upsetting nonetheless as I really hoped to get the ball rolling on this for her to have regular counseling). I sent in info for the other counseling with animals and no reply there either (she had said she could possibly see her this coming weekend but no news now). I even emailed our EAP services – saying I’m doing all that I can possibly do for myself, for my daughter and it’s just like it’s not enough…

I’m really trying to focus on some positives for today… like how she did a craft project on her own at home and made some stuffed peppers for us. How she also made some desserts for my fiance with the sweet tooth – speaking of which that’s back with no booze again for me. I managed to stick to my 8 hour eating window today – although I need to clean it up and get rid of the junk in there (trying the Intermittent Fasting but can’t speak about that around my daughter due to her struggles with body image/food/eating issues).

And now it’s past 6pm – and I’m going to get my butt downstairs for another workout so I can hit my 10,000 steps and get more activity minutes in for my at work June Health bet that I organized (oh and by the way my talk yesterday went well despite me feeling this way – I put on a smile and shared my success tips – good reminders about how I achieved it and how I can do it again).

Cravings were there again – after work so I ate sugar stuff – twizzlers, chocolate bar and a cinnamon roll that my daughter made… but I’m done for the night now. Seeing how I’ve gained back 20lbs in TWO months with ‘da booze back in my life… that’s enough to shut that stupid voice telling me how nice it would be to have a drink – NOT! Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels! Back to work on de-bloating with no booze!

Day 1 … Back to Basics

Sober June stopped for me… with a LOT on my plate with some at home ‘life’ stuff, I allowed myself a bit of give and had drinks… the problem is that I started feeling myself slip into old ways and I could feel my anxiety and guilt increase as I was no longer following through on my intentions … so not being my AUTHENTIC self anymore. And honestly – that feeling so completely SUCKS in comparison to the WIN I feel when I fight through the cravings and win!

In the moment the idea of having a drink sounds like so ‘relaxing’ but then it turns into more and more (at least in my case) so I’m back to Day 1 and working on my 125th day AF for 2017. I now only have 20 days left in this year where I could allow drinks to make my goal of 300 days for this year and with summer ahead and lots of possible drama surrounding my step-daughter’s wedding, I need to get a GRIP and dig into my sober tool box (one being my blogging and journaling my thoughts and feelings day by day).

Right now my work performance is suffering as I’m not focused due to the issues going on with my daughter. I feel myself slipping into a pattern of negatives … not working out, eating junk foods, passing on doing every day chores for sitting my ass on the couch and mindlessly binge watching tv. As a result I’m regaining weight I worked so hard to lose and feel like crap again! It shows in my posture, my face, my skin and my spirit.

I want the strong me again… the one who follows through on her goals and plans and so tonight I am going back to writing out a simple to do list … the feeling of accomplishment that comes with getting things done will allow me to wake feeling better. I haven’t been doing my morning workouts these days either and BOY does that take the wind out of my sails so I am back to it tomorrow. For tonight I’m going to clean up the kitchen, go through some emails to clean out my inbox (a cluttered / full inbox stresses me out) and end the night with some reading and/or meditation – turning in by 9pm hopefully to get my 6 hours of sleep to start my day right tomorrow with my daily practice… affirmations, posting to my groups and then working out all before hitting the shower to get ready for work. #sobertools

My daughter is in a ‘so so’ mood tonight so hopefully I’ll be able to follow through on my plan. One thing is for sure – despite the MAD cravings that came as soon as I came home … wanting a drink. I took my Kudzu and rode it out. I’m AF today! And below are my pics for comparison to later… I want the brighter happier me again!

Day 5 – Surviving & Thriving

Today’s the day I start to feel that ‘good’ feeling again and no longer feeling like something is being taken away, but rather I’m giving myself something! I know many sober bloggers may not get my take on all of this as I am not going 100% AF – but simply aiming to improve my habits and for this year – in 2017 aiming to hit 300 days AF (where in 2016 I hit about 209 days AF and in previous years only maybe 65 days AF).

I’ve been reading and listening to various sober resources and I don’t know … perhaps one day I’ll join them and say alcohol is BAD and I should just never have it again, but I’m not there. I do still look forward to and enjoy having drinks. It’s not just my sub-conscious saying so – it’s my many good memories that do. Sure I’ve got some BAD memories from some episodes but I can say with certainty those are no longer a part of my life. I do not drink to a point of blacking out. I never drink to a point where I’ll wake up with a hangover (I can’t deal with them anymore lol). I drink to feel good, but not to totally get smashed.

My slogan of “Lose ‘Da Booze” originated from my team Cutting Down the Booze (calories) on SparkPeople where I became a leader and noticed that many were struggling to lose weight and much of it was due to the alcohol still taking too much a part of their lives. My goal and intention is to lose that booze voice that was preventing me from reaching my health goals. While I appreciate what some say – that moderation doesn’t work or is too hard (and YES it is hard) – for now I’m sticking with my plan to simply improve mySELF and that means being better than I was yesterday – every single day!

I guess in comparison to the other sober bloggers or resources – I may be different, but we each have our own unique gift to share with the world… and I’m pretty proud of the work that is happening with our groups and how lives are improving! The 100 Consecutive Days¬†and 300 Days or More in a one year period¬†groups are worth checking out if you’d like to know more… I am only approving people if they send me a message though – to ensure they are right for the group.

So here’s to Surviving and Thriving. Here’s to my continue commitment to the Sober June! And today marks day 121 AF of my 300 AF days goal for 2017.

Day 3 – Turning Point or Breaking Point

Day 3 for my #SoberJune #LoseDaBooze and boy I have to say this 3rd day and it being a Saturday/weekend and after a super stressful week… ‘da cravings for ‘da booze came on strong!

I pulled out all the #SoberTools I could – I reached out to my challenge group members. I chatted with friends. I read blog posts. I listened to sober podcasts. And I worked out… this morning with weights and the kicker to get me past that worst time (the witching hours in my case from about 3 to 7pm).. a walk. And now going to finish the night off with a favorite sober tool – some pampering as I soak in a nice bubble bath and do some reading… The Craving Brain (by Ronald A. Ruden).

The first stretch of AF days (up to the 7 or 10th day when things turn around) can be tough and can make you or break you! If you cave in you feel like crap but if you conquer the cravings and wake up with another sober day on your counter you feel amazing and if you keep that momentum going it just gets strong! Keep flexing that AF muscle and resort to going with the right ‘bar’ …

June AF Month

I have re-committed after a very trying month of May to a full 30 days AF in June! Putting it out there is what will make me stick to it – accountability really DOES work.

I am joined by members in our group on Facebook (Lose ‘da Booze 100 Day Challenge and 300 Day Challenge). If any of these groups interest you, visit my page and message me – I’d be happy to provide you with the link. I am just screening via personal messages to ensure the group is right for you and that YOU are a right fit for the group.

Since the start of the group on January 1st – I can’t say how much it has grown and have loved seeing the successes! It has been as I set it out to be – positive, motivating, inspiring and helpful!

Some lurk and watch before taking the dive in – but overall the group is working as I dreamt it would!

Today is day 153 of 2017 and it will be my 118th day alcohol free 9AF) as I strive to reach my 300 day goal for this year! And being in a group of others striving to do the same is incredibly helpful!

Join the “Lose ‘Da Booze” team!! Always know – I believe in ‘better is better‘ – so no matter where you are in this journey… don’t beat yourself up! Pick yourself up and do as I am doing – re-commit. It’s never too late to reach for the dreams and goals you’ve always wished for!