I’m Doing the BEST I Can

I sure feel like I’ve been hit by a truck with the events that have happened since the beginning of July. It started with my daughter taking off and me having to call to report her missing. It ended with her going into a 3 day stay at the residential crisis unit as we reached a point where it was best for both of us to be apart. She also admitted to the counselors that she had been involved in risky behavior involving drug abuse. I brought her to get checked out and she was fine… But I wasn’t – and I too ended up coping by delving back into the booze.

She came out of the crisis unit on Friday night and by Saturday we were in a full blown fight again and she commented on my drinking and of course I became quite upset as she was using it as a ‘button pushing’ in the heat of the moment thing – although deep down I feel guilt about it now. I told her that in many cases I drink because of all I have to cope with when it comes to her behavior. It’s definitely not the role/model I want to show her.

And so I’m back to being AF today – yesterday was mostly AF as I finished the last couple of drinks. I went through the ritual of returning the empties and now taking it one day at a time – again!

With all I’m dealing with raising my 2 teen girls (13 and one will be 18 in August) – I need to stay strong and healthy and I can’t allow myself to become vulnerable to their claims that I’m contributing to the problem by drinking.

I know myself and I use food and drinks to numb myself and I have done it for most of my adult life and I need to find alternative solutions that will carry me through the roughest times as I’ve experienced this past week. It’s affecting my focus and concentration for my work and my volunteer stuff. I have a lot on my plate and I need to keep it together.

I will have to reach out more and perhaps look to attending support groups for parents who like me are raising children who have mental health problems. I know that there’s a history in my own family and I too have suffered from depression and anxiety and it sure is turned up a notch with all I’m facing.

There are possibilities for many things to change in the next couple of months – including my oldest moving out, me receiving less support and having to really re-adjust my life and so I have to learn too – to let go of the booze habit that I’ve allowed to creep back into too much of a ‘usual’ thing again.

One day at a time… closing off today AF.

Day 3 That Almost Wasn’t

While I try to post mostly inspirational thoughts here – this blog is also about the real challenges we face when we try to change our habits around alcohol.

I found myself having really BAD cravings to cave in and have drinks. I know the triggers… I get that feeling of being overwhelmed – by my home life situation of raising to teen girls who right now are very dis-respectful to me and we’re constantly fighting. I am tired because I haven’t been sleeping well because it is insanely HOT and I have no AC. I am edgy because I feel like there’s so much I have to do and right now – it’s too hot to have the motivation to do it. But I write and blog – and that helps.

I surfed the net and read the questionnaires about whether or not I was an alcoholic – and I still have a problem admitting that I am that because I don’t like the label. I know that I do have control issues when it comes to alcohol but I believe I’m for the most part a functioning person who likes alcohol a bit too much – as it is used as my coping mechanism for other issues going on in my life.

So I want to shift my focus on figuring out better coping techniques – many of which I do most times – like exercise, talking walks, meditating, pampering myself, window shopping, reading, writing, … it’s a matter of knowing how to flip the switch by distracting myself long enough to work through the craving to cave to my commitment to take a break from drinking.

So I did not cave to alcohol but I ended up having MacDonald’s – which I won’t beat myself up for. One thing at a time. I’m proud for not caving in and for then shifting my focus – watching a documentary about someone who juiced for 60 days and transformed his health – and while watching it I did an hour of strength training.

Now I’m writing this and I will head up to take a nice cool bath and hope that my daughter checks in soon. It’s Canada Day here and I’m at home alone – not attending celebrations but doing a lot of reflecting. Trying to adopt the ‘one day at a time’ motto – just for today I will not drink and I did it!!

Time for Change

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Today is Day 3 of being AF again. Getting back on the AF wagon – well I won’t lie, the first day was really tough. My nerves were screaming at me begging to have some alcohol to calm them but I stuck it out and now that I begin day 3, I am feeling much better. I had the slight temptation yesterday when I went out on a date – he ordered a cooler and I had my club soda and lemon.

As per my previous blog – I’m recommitting to a dry spell again. I’m not going to put a number on it but perhaps more like taking a break from drinking – or ‘in between drinks’. I know there will be many challenges as it’s summer, it’s hot and I have MANY social outings which all involve alcohol.

So as the poster says – some things are the same in that the voice in my head is still there and I’m still working on quieting it but my life overall is changing and moving forward. So far this year, I’ve re-invested in mySELF and getting out more – going on dates, networking, dancing, zumba classes, volunteering. What remains is the draw or pull back to the daily drinking once I start and so I am still working on the relationship I have with alcohol.

When I explained to my date that I was not drinking and taking a break he asked ‘why’ – and I said just to feel better/healthier. He then said ‘there’s nothing wrong with it so long as it’s not done excessively’ and there in lies the issue for me. When I have one – I can’t stop at the recommended one or two. NO – it’s like when I have one the tap is opened and I say, well I may as well go for it and drink way over what is healthy or even moderate.

I think my biggest motivator in doing this latest dry spell is that I honestly want to be healthier – and leaner – and alcohol will NOT get me there. I have to make this decision… to move ahead with the goals in life that will make me feel better and I know that right now in this heat and humidity and the bloat I have on from the booze – well it does NOT feel good. And so it’s time for change.

It’s July 1st – the 2nd half of 2014 and I plan on making it even better than it has been so far. There have been some great things so far in 2014 as I mentioned above and including my wonderful trip to Barbados. I’m excited about getting back on track and seeing what the next half will bring. I have stepped up as President for my association so I need to stay focused. I am also determined to add another certification to my qualifications. And so it’s time to FOCUS. It’s time to quiet ‘da booze voice in my head and get on with more important things in life.

Here’s a great quote that I found today and I thought was quite a propos… I HUNGER for a lean, toned, healthy body and seek the balance mind/body and spirit.

Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way. ~ Les Brown

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