I sure feel like I’ve been hit by a truck with the events that have happened since the beginning of July. It started with my daughter taking off and me having to call to report her missing. It ended with her going into a 3 day stay at the residential crisis unit as we reached a point where it was best for both of us to be apart. She also admitted to the counselors that she had been involved in risky behavior involving drug abuse. I brought her to get checked out and she was fine… But I wasn’t – and I too ended up coping by delving back into the booze.
She came out of the crisis unit on Friday night and by Saturday we were in a full blown fight again and she commented on my drinking and of course I became quite upset as she was using it as a ‘button pushing’ in the heat of the moment thing – although deep down I feel guilt about it now. I told her that in many cases I drink because of all I have to cope with when it comes to her behavior. It’s definitely not the role/model I want to show her.
And so I’m back to being AF today – yesterday was mostly AF as I finished the last couple of drinks. I went through the ritual of returning the empties and now taking it one day at a time – again!
With all I’m dealing with raising my 2 teen girls (13 and one will be 18 in August) – I need to stay strong and healthy and I can’t allow myself to become vulnerable to their claims that I’m contributing to the problem by drinking.
I know myself and I use food and drinks to numb myself and I have done it for most of my adult life and I need to find alternative solutions that will carry me through the roughest times as I’ve experienced this past week. It’s affecting my focus and concentration for my work and my volunteer stuff. I have a lot on my plate and I need to keep it together.
I will have to reach out more and perhaps look to attending support groups for parents who like me are raising children who have mental health problems. I know that there’s a history in my own family and I too have suffered from depression and anxiety and it sure is turned up a notch with all I’m facing.
There are possibilities for many things to change in the next couple of months – including my oldest moving out, me receiving less support and having to really re-adjust my life and so I have to learn too – to let go of the booze habit that I’ve allowed to creep back into too much of a ‘usual’ thing again.
One day at a time… closing off today AF.