The Devil Made Me Do It

The Devil Made Me Do It

I know I know … we make our own choices but this photo truly depicts how get hooked early in life. For me it was at the age of 12 when I used to steal some of my mom’s whiskey bit by bit and pour some into a glass – until I had enough to pour into a can and walk around outside showing my friends – I was cool! NOT lol!

He showed his ugly face to me many times – the devil that is booze – early in my life too! I watched as my parents drank too much and became ugly – and changed personalities.

Alcohol truly does take possession of all that’s good in us and shifts it. I am happily exorcising it out of my life… one day at a time!

Daily Practice

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I’ve been saying NO to booze daily for 17 days now. I still have moments and fleeting thoughts about wanting some and the whole ‘romanticizing’ of how it would be so good. Then I keep doing that comparison of alcohol to those shitty relationships I’ve had with men in my life and how, while it was hard to let go, now that it’s done and over with, I see how it was the only way to go – to get to where I am today. Living a healthier life. 

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Those voices in my head still toy with me telling me I won’t do this again – that I’ll cave in. I still have dreams about drinking waking up feeling shitty about it. Amazing how even in a subconscious state the booze makes me feel so bad. Yet I still find myself thinking of the ‘good times’ and good feelings those initial drinks gave me. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I can only do this one day at a time. I have to remember not to look to far ahead and let go of the past slip ups and believe that YES this time is different! I need to build my confidence. As I blogged about on Soberistas – it takes 6 weeks before we can instill a new habit. I am almost now 3 weeks in so halfway there. I have another weekend coming up with the infamous Friday start tomorrow – and my new acronym of choice OFIF (I’m sure you can figure it out). Last weekend was a hard one with cravings. I’m hoping this one will be slightly easier as it’s my 3rd. 

Weekdays are no brainers and I don’t have any urges because I’m simply too busy. I guess the plan is to stay just as busy on weekends – and there sure is no lack of things for me to do. I just have to stop procrastinating and thinking of all the to do’s I have and just get to them! 

So here’s to believing I CAN do this and not listening to that devil’s voice, Mr. Unsuitable, Wolfie – whatever you call it! 

Change…

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Today started off well – I woke up feeling good about not caving in yesterday and was on a roll getting things crossed off my to do list. Then I got a call to go babysit for a friend – one who really needed to get out as her daughter had been hospitalized for a month and she basically had a melt down needing a ‘date’ out with her hubby. While it didn’t fit with my plan for the day, I couldn’t say no. So I went and they told me to help myself to whatever – beer too… and I said I wasn’t drinking. 

I was fine for a bit then I guess that afternoon itch came again and I was not in my own place. There was beer in the fridge there. I blogged on Soberistas … because it’s more ‘live’ there and got support and worked through the urges again, wrapping up day 13 AF.

And so this poster above… I want to say goodbye to the old me and hello to my new life but I fear it too. It’s unknown territory and that can be scary – well frankly it is in some ways and also promising of course. I know that things could not go on as they have been – that endless cycle of sober periods followed by days of drinking. It was just draining my spirit. However, I still am fearful of the ‘sober forever’ term and so I keep trying to pull myself back to just for today, I will NOT drink and do that, one day at a time. 

It’s time for a change and the only way it can happen is by doing things differently. That means no more giving in to those cravings and working through them like I did yesterday and today. It wasn’t easy though. I’m feeling very drained and tired now so I’ll be in bed early and looking forward to the work week when it seems the voices are quieter. My 2nd weekend AF here in the new home was successful. Onward and forward!

12 Days Booze Free

Today was a close call… The voices came calling to me in my dreams. Making me think I had caved in and I woke up feeling real crappy, guilty, like I had done something wrong – but it was a dream. I woke with a headache too and it lingered with me all day – another trigger for me to crave booze oddly enough – to dull the pain. I have had headaches this week for a few days – and I attribute it to the weather changes. It SUCKS!

So I had to figure out how to cope today and work through these feelings I keep getting around this stage… I’ve got 11 days AF in and on my 2nd weekend of working on staying sober but I swear it was fucken HARD today. I had those feelings today about how good it would feel to just relax and have some drinks. Especially since my 12 year old is out for a sleepover and my 17 year old is out too – peace at last. But how would I feel if I caved in?!

My confidence level is not so strong right now about whether or not I’ll pull this off or if I’ll slip up again and yet, I know that I can’t slip back to it – not so early in the game. I need more time away from that devil, Mr. Unsuitable. I swear it’s like the shitty men I have had in my life – they would come back to woo me… tempt me and tell me how great it would be this time, that everything would be better and ‘ok’. I’d take them back and then BAMM!! Back to square one. I took this abuse over and over again. With booze I have a choice – and I have to break out of this cycle of abuse in my life. This is self-harm… and I can’t stand to see it when my daughter self-harms… which I just found out this week she did again last week. This is her coping mechanism – to cut and when I saw the cuts on her legs, too many to count, my heart was aching. I thought how could she do this to herself?! Well it’s the same with us and booze I guess. I’m sure that sometimes they might have looked at me while I was drinking and wished I wasn’t doing so.

I know it’s going to take time for my brain to get re-wired. I know I can’t do this alone. I am going to gather strength from my friends here in the sober blogging world, get the rest I need and not be so hard on myself in all other areas of my life (as I am also trying to moderate my food intake to lose some weight). For now – the most important thing is to get rid of the vice that booze is in my life! If I eat that sugar treat or a bit too many calories on the days I’m craving – so be it. I need to not overwhelm myself or I will throw my hands up in the air and feel like quitting quitting – and that’s not where I want to be.

So 12 days booze free is in the books… Tomorrow is a new day and I pray that Mr. Unsuitable stays out of my head for the night and into my dreams.

Quit Anything That Drains Your Spirit

Quit Anything That Drains Your Spirit

Alcohol is that ‘anything’ that has been draining my spirit. I’m on day 11 AF and feeling so much better – that sunshine peeking through the clouds in this picture, that’s how I’m feeling. With every day that passes, I sense that this time is different. 11 is a very significant number for me – it’s like my angels watching over me … I see it everywhere. This month also marks 11 years from the most difficult time of my life… when my husband left me and soon after my mother passed from cancer. Today, I can say with confidence that I’m letting go of past hurts and looking forward to living a life filled with LOVE and forgiveness. What was done is past, what is here today and what lies ahead is bright and full of promise!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Information Overload – So much to soak in…

I just finished reading The Sober Revolution and continue to read posts/blogs on the Soberistas website. I’m reading blogs in this world here as well. And the articles keep popping up like this one today 7 Tips to Go Easy on the Booze Over the Holidays (with links to other articles too). It’s certainly not for lack of information out there and to read the stories of peoples successes, trials and slips. It’s incredible.

I was feeling a bit low yesterday and today I’m up again – but my mind is buzzing with thoughts of things I can now do that I’ve decided to be 100% AF. I have so many aspirations including reading more (I do love to soak in the information but need to span out to other self-help areas in terms of moving forward), thinking of new classes or hobbies I can take, pursuing a dream of starting my own business (to help others in the form of coaching or speaking). My ultimate dream is to have a job that would allow me to travel the world and speak / help people … but I’m getting ahead of myself – or am I?!

They say when you dream to dream big and I am. Without the booze in play, there’s just so much I can do now. I am re-reading Marianne Williamson’s “The Age of Miracles” and I am truly ready to finally be a grown up and make the latter part of my life the BEST years of my life. My mom used to say life begins at 40 but I’m 7 years late… however, they do say 50 is the new 40 so maybe I’m 3 years early lol. When you think of it, now that I have all this experience under my belt – I know the heartaches and I’ve ‘been there and done that’ – I can make much wiser choices.

My mind is absolutely buzzing and so thankfully I have my meditations at night to ground me again. This is only a small part of my life too – because there’s work, and family issues and the counseling I’m attending for my daughters.

Again – trigger point for me … used to be when I got overwhelmed, I’d fall back to the pattern of drinking to calm myself down or rather slow things down. No more of that. If I need to slow things down – I just need to make that choice and it does NOT have to involve alcohol.

I’m on day 8 today – very new still, but different because there’s no end to this count. I joined the 100 Day Challenge, but I’m challenging myself or rather just simply accepting that I’ll be 100% sober – period! No more internal mental tug of war about when, why, how much for that next drink – it’s no longer part of the equation! I’m DONE!

I Think My Switch has Finally Flipped!

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It’s been a long journey to get to where I am today and how I feel now. I’ve been battling the ‘devil’ that is alcohol in my life for about 28 years – but more intensely after my separation in 2002 and the death of my mother and a slew of other really tough life events (job loss, bankruptcy, losing friends to accidents and cancer – some of which I believe were related to booze). Five years ago this month, my own sister at the age of 50 lost her life as she succumbed to the alcohol and drank herself to death. 

Yesterday I talked to a friend who shared with me that she was assaulted by her bf – who was drunk and who choked her and bit her chin and left her with countless bruises. She finally called the police. 

Why does it take so much to finally have us see or flip this switch that BOOZE is Bad NEWS!! I used to dabble with the idea if I could get a handle on moderation and be a social drinker, I’d go that route but now, I realize (with the help of reading The Sober Revolution and the website Soberistas) that I have to simply commit to 100% sobriety for life!

So consciously I’m ok with that and accepting of it. But sub-consciously – these past few days, my dreams are filled with thoughts, events, past experiences – all surrounding booze. I suppose that’s the part of my brain that’s still hard wired to the addiction. I wake up feeling guilty – like I had had a drink. 

I also noticed how much more aware I am about how booze is everywhere – in scenes of my many favorite shows, on friends’ status updates and how they can’t wait to have one, or pics of them having some. 

When I asked the hotel catering manager about AF options for the Gala I have coming up on the 30th he told me he had never been asked that question. Even the event coordinator that I’m replacing said the same thing. Is it because I asked the question versus non-drinkers just asking for soda as a norm and not worrying about it so much ahead of time? For me, it was necessary, to be armed and plan ahead for this night. 

So while I’m still having some ‘ansy’ moments like last night where there was a period of time that might have led me to drinking before – I simply observed my feelings and noticed the triggers and blogged on Soberistas about it. I know for me, it’s important to keep writing it out and the wonderful thing about this blogsphere is that I get feedback and support. 

So while it’s still very early in the game (Day 6 today)… I truly feel that my switch has finally flipped. I know there will be hard days or moments – but with continued work and meditation and readings, I will stay strong. I am committed and I am determined to live my BEST life by ‘losing ‘da booze’…

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