Physical Symptoms of Too Much Drinking

I finally got an AF day in yesterday. I have to remind myself of all that my body goes through when I drink too much… The heartburn, the aches/pains, the swelling, the discomfort in my stomach, the bloating, the lack of energy or motivation to get things done, the irritability and anxiety, restlessness that comes when the body craves the drink after too many days of drinking…

I know it will take a bit of time for my body to detox (yet again). I didn’t sleep well and the aches and pains – I feel like an old arthritic woman this morning. NOT GOOD. I know some of the symptoms come not eating well, not exercising – all a result of having drinks because I don’t feel like doing any of that and crave unhealthy stuff when I’m in drink mode.

I know that no matter whether I drink or don’t drink – my life is what it is (as I write this dealing with the issue of my kids’ school refusal yet again and major friggen potty mouth stinking FUCKEN attitude). I know this is what sometimes drives me over the edge to drinking but seriously – it doesn’t help. It only adds to my shitty feelings.

I’m not going to let them ruin my day. I’m going to go to work and be productive. I’m going to attend her counseling session tonight and continue to work on resolving issues. I’m going to go visit my friend tonight and escape for a few hours and forget who I am … and live in the fantasy stuff we have fun with : )

Now I’m taking off for work early as my efforts to work from home to make sure my kids go to school is all for NOT this morning. Well I think my oldest is going – but who fucken knows and I’m seriously ready to just say FUCK it all with them! Such BULLSHIT!!

Can I Really Do This?

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I’m sitting here after 17 days of daily drinking again – some of which was beyond moderate to the point of binge drinking to ‘finish it off’ so I could hopefully tackle the next day without booze. It’s this cycle I seem to keep reverting to and it makes me wonder if I can really do this AF thing. I know deep down that I must and as I read some wonderful posts – including Lisa’s recent equation one – well I am given hope. This SHIT is real hard. Today is our Thanksgiving holiday and I’m grateful that everything is closed down and that I have resolved to making it my first AF day again. 

I told my daughter yesterday – ‘after today I’m going to quit again’ and she replied ‘ya right’… OUCH. I did tell her I made it 24 days last time and I truly and honestly want to make it longer. I can’t think forever because that notion scares the hell out of me – who will I be if I no longer drink? Even as I did allow myself drinks again when I went to meet friends before my meeting, they said ‘oh you have to be drinking when it’s our gala girlfriend’… and that’s on November 30th. So you see – even with  my resolve today about NOT drinking – I’m already thinking ahead to that night as I did with my move and how I started drinking then after 24 days of abstinence. 

I go through so many highs and lows and sitting here this morning, in my new bedroom looking out the window to the greyish day, the fall leaves on the tree outside the window, gently swaying and leaves slowly falling – I feel as though it’s a time of change for me too. But can I really do this? I know deep down in my heart and soul I want to prove I can. I know posting publicly here is risky – because it opens things up for feedback… and while most of the comments are helpful, there are at times notes from some who just truly should NOT be lurking if they can not relate to what I’m going through. 

I’m only human and I have made mistakes and I’m sure I will make more. The key thing I guess is that so long as I keep trying, that I stay true to myself, I will eventually get there. Nothing really worthwhile having is easy. This is HARD work, and I’m going to use the next 24 hours to get back to my sober world. 

Having my step-daughter over later for Thanksgiving dinner – and I am going to take time out today to truly be appreciative of the good things in my life – including finally being in this new home and using my AF time to get more unpacking done. 

Need a Break

Isn’t ironic that I found this article in one of my emails today… http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11231/pssst-is-it-time-to-take-a-break-from-booze.html

Since I broke my 24 day streak I have not been AF yet … and I feel myself slipping … despite being ok mostly – I am digging in and realizing I need to take a break again and soon… writing this – not AF… feeling tired and a bit pissed off about a few things (men mostly lol). 

Tomorrow’s a new day – we’ll see what it brings. 

Often Enough

Every morning I start my day by reading affirmations and The Daily Motivator is one I visit and very often, like today, the message really hits home…

Often enough

Persistence is really quite simple, and extremely powerful. If you don’t get  it right the first time, see it not as a failure but as an opportunity for  another more informed and experienced attempt.

The best response to a disappointing result is more effort. Feel the  disappointment, let it make you more determined, and then move quickly to a  highly effective state of taking action.

Do what must be done, then do it again and again, and again. Even the  smallest action can have enormous impact when repeated often enough.

But how can you get back up when you’ve just fallen down? You do it by  reminding yourself it’s clearly the best choice, and then making the choice to  act in your own best interest.

Persistence is not always easy, yet it’s not particularly complicated either.  You’ve made the effort before, so it’s really not such a big deal to go ahead  and make it again.

Do that often enough, and your actions take on great power and effectiveness.  Do that often enough, and achievement is yours.

— Ralph Marston

Read more: http://greatday.com/motivate/index.html#ixzz2gYrdFvyW

I broke my AF streak at 24 days this time and I’m still not back to day 1. I have been having drinks daily – in moderation at the end of very full and productive days. It of course brings to question all my earlier promises and statements about “I don’t drink” and the reality I have to face that I’m not sure I can quit forever. I’m not even sure I can even do the infamous 100 day challenge. I know at one point I will get there as Belle put it because it’s on my list of things to do in life – go for a longer period of sobriety, but I guess I’m not there just yet. I will not give up though and I will persist and keep taking actions to improve myself. My ultimate goal is to live a healthy and happy life. What this picture will look like is still being developed.

Now that I’m into my fresh new space – my reality is I’m tired and still not settled in and I have to give myself a bit of a breather/break. My personal life challenges keep coming hard and fast – with kids who are refusing to go to school or getting suspended. My close friend who just learned her 18 month old daughter has leukemia. SHIT happens and I know this is NOT an excuse to drink by any means. I know it means if nothing else I have to be that much more present and I believe that I am. I am also acknowledging my need for some down time. I know that the down time doesn’t have to involve alcohol and I’ll get back to my AF streaking soon… Persistence is key! For those who are like me… don’t despair, don’t give up and keep fighting!! I’m not perfect, but I’m honest about where I am at on this journey. I may receive some judgement from those who don’t truly understand but that’s their judgement. What other people think of me is none of MY business. I’m doing this for ME and no one else. My blogging is my therapy and I share openly about what’s going on in my head so I can live well outside of my head.