I’m sitting here at the end of a very full day. It was quite productive and I see progress – the house is getting emptied out nicely and things are getting organized at the new place as I go along.
I did have more thoughts about having a drink – or letting myself have some on Saturday – but kept talking through it because I honestly am not sure I want to get back into that cycle and have to go back to day 1. I’m recalling my pledge on my bday – to stay sober for my 47th year of life.
However, in the end of course I did not drink today (even though the thoughts were there) and I’m so glad I didn’t. I got a call from the school saying my oldest had been brought in by the police having been caught with other kids smoking marijuana and having some in her possession. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing – I honestly never would have expected this to happen to her. Thankfully the police officer gave her a good talk about the seriousness of the matter and because it was her first incident, she did not charge her. I was so grateful!
And so I thought – Thank FRIGGEN God I didn’t have a drink! Even if it had just been one – could you imagine me in the vice-principal’s office with the police officer and my daughter smelling of booze. I would have died!
So while it was a really shitty thing to have happen – in the end I think it was a good lesson for my daughter. She is suspended for 3 days from school and there are things we need to work on but we’ll get through this.
They are both going away to a friend’s cottage tomorrow night and I have to say it’s a welcome relief to know they will be there because I know they won’t get into any issues/trouble. It means I will have two free nights and a bit of a much needed mental break. Of course, the thought of having drinks then comes into mind as I could do so without worrying about anything happening … but then my streak would be broken.
I’m going to keep coming here and reading blogs and posts – I need to stay strong through all of this and deal with these matters and the feelings that come with them in a sober manner.
Installing a New Habit
You will always feel a little discomfort when you are installing a new habit. It’s sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes – at first it’s a little hard to wear them but soon they fit like a glove. The best amongst us get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Daily Inspiration from Robin Sharma – September 26
In our journey to become and stay sober, self-care is truly key. It means putting our needs in front of others at times and in my case as a single mother, raising two teenage girls who are rebelling (refusing to go to school, skipping school, being rude and dis-respectful to me) it’s more important than ever for me to stay grounded and strong that I take good care of myself.
Part of this is becoming and staying sober – while I am sometimes screaming inside for a drink to ‘handle’ all of this pressure and stress. Every day I’m being thrown something new to deal with – my youngest daughter and her self-harming, eating issues, anxiety/depression/mood swings and my oldest’s issue with anxiety and learning that both of them have resorted to trying pot and they too are curious and seem interested in booze (likely as a numbing agent).
Every day – these issues remind me about WHY I have to be the example and stay strong – yet the ‘voice’ (Wolfie or the Goblin – whatever you call it) says to me “Hell you need a break! This is ridiculous. You deserve a drink and the ability to let loose a bit.” But I know that this voice is calling on me because it knows I’m vulnerable and my wish is to keep rolling in this sober car – for the full 100 days this time. After a few failed attempts – I am really striving to get there.
I still have my doubts about this weekend and the whole move thing. I have been and will be pushing myself extra hard to finish up and we all know when we are tired or when we finish something BIG like this, we often feel ‘ok – now you deserve a break and a few drinks’… but I need to come up with new things that I want for myself. In comes the self-care because you see – I don’t drink now because I care about my self-esteem and I don’t want those guilt feelings about caving in ‘yet again‘. It’s not easy. Tonight and throughout the day I’ve been thinking about drinking a LOT. This is hard SHIT to deal with at times – but the reward of not giving in is really worth that proud feeling – that sense of victory and accomplishment and I want that more!
Tied with this victory are so many other things that I want to achieve – like the weight loss, taking on new hobbies and getting out to finally take some classes (Zumba or some type of dancing). The freed time that we have without ‘da booze in our lives allows for us to explore and really discover who we are and what our real interests are and that’s what I’m after.
When I divorced almost 11 years ago, it took me a while to rediscover who I was as a single person – not the wife or the mother/wife. I was now the single mother still – but I had to figure out what my interests, goals and life direction was going to be because I thought my marriage would be forever… I have no regrets today about my ex’s decision to leave me – as a matter of fact he did me a HUGE favor! I see that now – we were never a good match. Brought together through many drunken instances. My nature of trying to save or change him led me to a path where I took up the drinking (can’t beat ’em might as well join ’em mentality).
I’m not that person any more. I’m someone who is independent and someone who is looking to care for my SELF. And so it is – every day I make sure to do things that mean something to me and that keep me in balance. My blogging, my early morning affirmations, my walks by the river, the occasional bubble baths… those are the things I want in my life. Not ‘da booze! Thanks to my blogging and reading of other blogs… I can close off another day feeling good about my decision to NOT drink!
This is so true on our path to sobriety. Sometimes we get derailed in our efforts and have to start back to get that train rolling. I’m happily rolling in the sober car – day 21 in the books.
I will continue to work this day by day knowing that I can only do this one day at a time.
I’m wrapping up today – another load to the new place (over 45 boxes moved on my own yesterday and today). I work 2 more days and then off Thur/Friday with my big move Saturday. The guys helping will be grateful most of the small stuff is done. The whole drinking/worrying issue may be avoided because I have done so much work on my own they will be done by lunch time so there won’t be much drinking as they will likely want to get on with their day.
Well today I was thinking of next Saturday – the MOVE day and how I’ll be picking up drinks for my helpers and of course there’s some thought about me having some too. Why is this so hard. I re-read my post from yesterday and I was so strong in my resolve, acknowledging that I can’t be a moderate drinker and have to abstain, yet these thoughts are creeping in.
The voice – Wolfie or the Goblin – whatever name you want to give it. I hate it!! I know it’s because I’m still early in the game and I pray that my resolve to have that booze in hand and offering it to my helpers won’t lead me to temptation to have a drink myself. It will be a true test of my resolve and it means I’m going to have to blog and email a LOT this week to stay focused on my sobriety goal.
I want this. Getting through next Saturday without a drink will be HUGE. I am praying for strength to get me there!
It wasn’t until I came to the full realization that I had no real control over alcohol that I was able to take action to change it. It has taken me years to get to where I am today, working towards living a sober life. I swear – saying that still makes me cringe – to think I’ll ‘never’ drink again – but I try to just focus on one day at a time instead (because forever is a LONG time).
Yesterday I came real close to caving in again, but the thoughts that ran through my head were that I just didn’t want to go back again to that place where I disappoint myself mostly and secondly, disappoint those who are cheering me on this journey. I’m very grateful to my friends and supporters, Kim and Belle, and of course my team members from Cutting Down the Booze over at SparkPeople. Not everyone gets how hard this is – but thankfully I’ve found a support network that does – including this sober blogging space and Soberistas too! So many great supporters there as well.
Fall is my favourite season and it’s ironic that my move is happening now too. As the leaves change colors, I too am changing my own colors or scenery and life – including making my home a fresh new space with new energy that is completely AF for me.
I have come to terms with my need to be completely sober since I can not moderately drink. It’s just another season in my life. What really helped me to stay on track yesterday too, despite the incredible urges, was how I made a vow to myself on my 47th Birthday to become sober. I really don’t want to give up on that promise or vow so early in the game. At the very least, I need to achieve the 100 days – since I am part of the 100 Day Challenge team (and I’ve hit re-set one too many times).
What comes after the 100 days… well as I’ve read and heard from many successful members is that the call or craving for alcohol is no longer there. And that my friends is my wish – that the desire for booze is gone from my thinking. I’m ready to do this – and truly change it.
I encountered some tough moments today. It seems at times when I finally think things are turning around I get hit with another rough patch. This morning was an example of that – but I’m getting tougher and my skin is getting thicker. This stuff with my 12 year old – it’s HARD. This stuff with sobriety – even HARDER at times.
It’s a Friday night and I contemplated drinks today just because I feel like my kids are sucking the life out of me. Then I thought – why would I want to let the booze suck even more life out of me?!
And so I’m taking time to reflect on my day as I get ready for an early bed time. The cravings passed and I’m wrapping up another sober day. I know there will be other tough times ahead, but there will also be some good times ahead so long as I stick to my guns and remain AF. I know everything else will fall into place. 24 hours at a time.
With each passing day sober, I am growing stronger. The voices were calling again yesterday and I had to quiet them by saying “it’s not an option because I don’t drink anymore” but there was the comeback about … maybe later. I had to reset my thinking to just for today, for the next moment, minutes, hours – I will be sober.
I continue to deal with some tough stuff with my kids and my usual coping was to drown out the stuff with booze because I felt like it was too much for me and I needed an outlet to ‘feel better‘. Of course I know that it only made me feel better for a moment – and then the crash and burn feeling. The guilt for not sticking to my guns and caving in, the wasted time and simply the depressed state of mind that comes after boozing it. At least now sober, I can shift my thoughts.
Take for instance yesterday, I shifted by getting busy cooking in a quiet house. Both girls were out. Then I had a bite to eat and went for a walk by the river. I then drove my daughter to gymnastics (pretty cool that I can drive anytime without any worry about having had a few drinks) and came home to do a workout. When I picked up my daughter she had attitude with me again but I was able to deal with it having released some stress with the walk and workout.
It’s not always easy this sober journey, but I do believe so long as I stay here in the now and take things one moment at a time, I will make it!
I think part of this journey is learning to let go of our past mistakes related to alcohol. We are here because we are working to make a change and we need to go from this point – onward, and forward and STOP beating ourselves up.
For me guilt is a big one. I often had guilt after drinking because I felt perhaps I wasn’t a good mother and maybe said or did things I shouldn’t have (or didn’t really remember all the things I said or did in detail). Having released the need for alcohol in my life and affirming that I no longer drink has set a switch off for me in many respects.
Take for example today. I had set plans in my head about things I would do or accomplish and time passed and some didn’t get done. Now before I’d feel guilty because it was likely they didn’t get done because I wasted time boozing instead but today – that’s different. I didn’t get to do what I had planned because I decided to be spontaneous and take a walk with a friend at lunch. It was her birthday and we had not talked in a while. Her office is close to mine so I walked over to give her a bday card and she asked if I wanted to go walking. I didn’t refuse (even though I should have worked through lunch). She had not been talking to me for a while because she was upset with me for cancelling plans one Sunday when we were to go to a Greek Festival together. My reason for cancelling (while it’s not what I told her)… I was drinking and just didn’t feel like it.
There are so many missed opportunities that I have let pass me by because I was drinking or things I had to say no to because I had a few drinks (and couldn’t really get out to drive or meet up or was too tired/drunk to meet anyone – including probably missed opportunities in love).
Freeing myself from this is liberating and is opening so many doors for me. I can spontaneously go out driving later in the day. I can be ‘ok’ to not get a few things done because I know I did not waste my time guzzling (as my ex used to refer to me – guzzle gums) drinks. Wow – the shit I’m starting to recall here and there from my drinking days… Yikes lol.
I just got a book in too (still waiting on Jason Vale’s) – 24 Hours a Day which was meant for people in AA but it’s great to add to my collection of daily affirmation readings. It has for each day of the year – A Thought for the Day, A Meditation for the Day and a Prayer for the Day. I am looking forward to reading them each day. In closing for today’s blog I’d like to share the Sanscrit Proverb by Kalidasa (Indian poet and playwright, Fifth century A.D.) included at the beginning of the little ‘black’ book (it’s super cute – small in size – easy to fit in your purse or for me – in my night stand along with my other books):
“Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life. In its brief course lie all the realities and verities of existence, the bliss of growth, the splendor of action, the glory of power…
For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision, but today, well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.”