Meditation

One of the key tools for me in this journey to changing my thoughts is using meditation, to calm my thoughts and really look inside myself to notice things that just normally pass us by. I joined this 21 day challenge with Oprah and Deepak Chopra and it couldn’t have coincided at a better time – the first day is today and it’s my first AF day again.

The other gift I was given was a link to one of Belle’s blogs about how I need to stop thinking about this sobriety as a ‘forever’ thing and just deal with it one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time). That blog and the comments really hit home for me and have provided me some relief to let go of the future planning of my sobriety and rather just BE in the moment of my sobriety today.

So for today…. I’m going to add in some more miles (3.5 so far) and enjoy the sunshine with a clear mind. Super clean eating day too.

Accountability… Never giving up

Image

Well after my post yesterday, I am here fessing up. I caved – after a really good day – 2 walks – over 5 miles walked, a 30 mins strength training workout and swim in the pool – I ended up picking up drinks with my gf and we indulged. This meant it flowed into today as I have now ‘finished’ what was left.

My plan is now to get back to the sober car – and as I stated yesterday – at least until my bday. 

How am I feeling today? Well – I’m not hung over major, but I am disappointed that I caved – but I have to let go of that feeling or it will bring about more thoughts about – what the hell, I fucked up already, may as well keep the ball going. That’s the dangerous part – the whole self-talk that goes on in my head. Getting that first day in again is always the hardest but I am not giving up. It starts now. Tomorrow I will wake up to a sober day. 

I’m going to stay logged on here or on soberistas to stay strong – and may just go back to bed for a while – to make it feel like the day is beginning again. 

I will never give up this fight – to make myself a better person. I’m worth it and I’m grateful to all who follow and support my semi-sober journey to date. 

Setbacks vs. Failure

Image

 

I have had a setback the past 2 days. After 4 days of being AF, I allowed myself to ‘cave’ in when my step-daughter invited me out to dinner. She ordered a beer and I followed suit without too much hesitation – thinking it would be nice to join her in that drink but dammit – I should have ordered a club soda with lemon instead!

That night I felt ok about it thinking I could handle it. Then comes the next day and the cravings were there for some drinks at home… and so I went out to buy some (less than usual so I wouldn’t be tempted again today), and was not AF again last night.

Now today is here and the cravings are there again – wildly so at one point.. I even went out to the car to go drive and buy more but turned back and came online to read posts at soberistas.com, listened to the nature channel and peace finally came to me and the cravings have subsided.

I’m sure they will be back again – as getting in Day 1 is always the toughest I find. I started the day feeling a bit off from the drinks yesterday, but not too bad. I went for an hour walk – did some shopping/errands and when I came back the voices in my head started about ‘da drink. 

For me I think it’s a fear of ‘this being the last time’ or saying to myself, ‘oh just one more time’. It’s a constant battle about whether I need to quit for good (which I honestly really don’t think I want – but wonder if I have to), or achieve a level of moderation – which by the past 2 days it’s obvious I can’t do that right now and I’m not sure I ever could. 

I know the whole thing of taking it one day at a time but I’m such a ‘planner’ that I’m always wondering how I’ll manage this or that in the future. 

This is going to take some work, but I refuse to quit trying.

Image

I think what I need to do is to somehow shift the focus of my goal not necessarily about the whole AF thing but rather my health thing and desire to lose weight. I know that on any plan – alcohol is taboo if you’re going to succeed. So I am exactly one month away from my bday today (September 3) and I wish to give myself this gift… to be AF until then and lose 5 to 10lbs. 

I know they say not to take on too much at once, but honestly, I know that the alcohol has been the biggest culprit in my weight gain – especially in the belly area. So maybe if I trick my mind into saying I’m quitting da booze for my weight loss instead of focusing on my ‘problem’ with alcohol – maybe that will work. It’s worth a try… Here’s to my new Day 1. 

A Good Day

I had a really good day yesterday! I was feeling like everything was going my way – the day at work was productive, things were just all really going well and time was flying by too. 

In view of my move and the possibility of my oldest moving out, I decided to contact the family responsibility office to find out how that works. It became evident that I need to address the fact that my ex has never followed the support order by going back every year to declare his salary, thereby adjusting the support I receive. I have been receiving the same amount for 10 years. I asked for some help this summer from him to pay for gymnastics camp for our daughter and he said I had no right to ask him for more money. I spoke to a lawyer yesterday who informed me I more than have the right – that he should be helping to pay for things like that and other stuff (medical, dental, etc). So I’m meeting the lawyer next week and a letter will be sent to him. I know it will stir the pot and it’s going to cost me to get this letter done, but I feel I have to do this. I’ve been too nice.

Then after work I came home and did a workout, cleaned up. I then went to pick up my step-daughter as I offered to watch her cat while she went to Florida to join my oldest and the grandmother. She offered to take me out to dinner and I said yes. We haven’t connected in a long time and she too had been going through some tough stuff. The dinner – well she ordered a beer and I joined her and had one too. But that was all. After I dropped her off, I came home and went for a walk by the river.

I feel no guilt or remorse for it. As I walked I reflected that if I could keep those ‘drinking’ moments to a social outing – never at home alone and limit it to one or two that I could live with that. I also will admit there might be times when the occasion might be one or two – but not thinking ahead to planning it either.

Today I will be sober again. I am off now until next Wednesday and going to make the most of my time off to start the packing and de-cluttering.

Life is GOOD!